Do you know what you're telling yourself?
While we're on the subject of redecorating our internal landscape, I wanted to share an epiphany - I know how to make your to-do list easier and your self-talk kinder.
Do you know what you say to yourself when you’re not really listening?
I didn’t.
Up until recently.
And when I started noticing, it wasn’t pretty.
Slow the fuck down
But let’s start with how I got here — admitting there’s a problem — which was by admitting that there was another problem.
As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve taken some time off work. The comedown from my rather frantic job has been slow and tough at times. My days can be easy. I have nothing — besides
Writers’ Hours — on my schedule, and those are not mandatory. And yet, I am still waking up anxious. I am still rushing through my day. I am still struggling to turn my brain off at night because what did I have to show for those 24 hours?And then — probably something I heard on my meditation app — I started really talking to myself. When I wake up, I tell myself:
“Slow the fuck down. There’s nothing you HAVE to do today.”
I am very lucky — but also, I have smart decisions and worked very hard — to be in this scenario. I understand that not everyone has this luxury, but keep reading, because this will still be helpful to people with plenty of responsibilities. It is changing the way I live. It is changing how I show up. It will change the way I go back to work, when I do.
Once I told myself that, I could ease up. I could take a deep breath or 5.
And then the question became:
“Oh, well, what do I WANT to do?”
Do you see even how the question changed?
At first, I was talking to myself as an outsider — using “you” — trying to talk to myself as a friend. But with space, I had the agency, I was making the decisions, not some me on autopilot.
And it turns out, I wanted to do lots of things.
I wanted to do all the things on my to-do list. I wanted to work on the memoir, I wanted to sketch, I wanted to write a poem, I wanted to finish this Substack post, I wanted to do the dishes, I wanted to make myself dinner, I wanted to go to the gym, I wanted to meditate, I wanted to do my self-care routine, etc. etc. etc.
I want to do those things, but when I frame those things as must-do’s — things to get done instead of things to do (slight but important distinction) — it takes any bit of joy out of those activities. Everyday is a slog to get through the to-get-done’s in an effort to reach that magical open time when I could decide what it was I actually wanted to do.
But in this reframing, when I don’t worry about the order of the activities and instead do things based on what I feel like pursuing in that very moment, I feel really good about the activity. Not only that, but the outcome is better too. The to-do is easier, the quality is better, and I sincerely enjoy it.
The revelation snowballs
I was telling my therapist about this revelation. We decided it was good, freeing, almost divine. And then, I said, “It seems kinda exhausting, though, that I’m going to have to wake up and tell myself this everyday.”
She smiled and without missing a beat said, “Well you tell yourself other things everyday.”
Oh.
I was shocked.
Well… That’s a good point.
But… wait?
What am I telling myself everyday?
“That isn’t good.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You were just lucky.”
“You’re lazy.”
“You’ll never get it all done.”
“You’re gross.”
“People don’t like you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“You’re bad.”
“People will be mad.”
“You’re weak.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Harsh. Yeah, I agree. I surprised myself even. Because at the very shallowest level of my being, I thought I saw myself as hard-working, competent, smart, beautiful (especially with a couple swipes of mascara), ambitious, optimistic, etc. etc. etc.
But I had so incorporated this negative self talk into my life that I didn’t even know this negative self-talk was a part of my life.
So while waking up and telling that mean little voice give it a rest today is a bit tiring, running around frantically every day trying to prove that mean little voice wrong was surely slowly killing me.
And I assume that one day, the positive self-talk will become second nature, just like the negative self-talk became. One day, I won’t even know that gentle, inspired voice is a part of my life. I’ll just be running around joyously proving it right.
1-3-5 Method
I recently stumbled on this journaling exercise called the 1-3-5 method. I thought it could be inspiring to people who roll their eyes at journaling what mine looks like. It doesn’t have to be all heart eyes and namastes.
Write down 1 limiting belief and then it’s opposite.
EXAMPLE:
You’re lazy.
You’re actually just exhausted because it’s 105 fucking degrees outside here in Laos and you’re not sleeping but a couple hours a night because you’re being hounded by mosquitos and you aren’t eating properly because you picked up some bacteria in Thailand, so maybe you can just lie down for awhile and not be hard on yourself about that, you little bitch.
Write down 3 things you’re grateful for.
EXAMPLE:
My body for not just shutting down from exhaustion.
The amount I sweat, which keeps me from dying of heat stroke.
McDonalds because it’s the only thing I can eat when my stomach is upset.
Write down 5 affirmations.
The affirmations are the hardest for me. I feel really silly with simple affirmations like — You are strong. You are beautiful. You are loved. So I’m taking recommendations here…
Let’s talk about it…
What negative self-talk are you in the ring with?
What helps you slow down?
Leave your favorite affirmation for me to steal. :)
I don’t remember where I found them (probably googling meditation for relief from extreme financial stress lol) but these are The Three I say to myself every day, after I’ve slowed down my breathing and thinking:
• Everything in the universe is unfolding exactly as it’s supposed to
• Everything I need is already on its way toward me, and will arrive exactly when it’s needed
• Every day, in every way, it’s getting better and better
Note the “I” language (not “you”) and the use of present tense. Enjoy!
This used to be me. The awareness is a huge step, you’re right, I didn’t even recognise what I was doing as negative self talk for years! Although I was already on a path to being kinder to myself my MS diagnosis got me there sooner! Why give myself any further shit to deal with?! Although I wouldn’t recommend it as a method, and would never go as far as saying I’m grateful for this top level arsehole of an illness, I do have gratitude for the life rethink it brought about. Phew that was a long one. Take care xx